After my very first treatment, a certain member of my family said “you don’t look very cancery.” To which I replied “and I don’t feel it either!”
Well, I have to say that today was the opposite. I felt very cancery and it made me pretty grumpy! Probably having to wake up really early didn’t help either. So I even took a picture of me looking very cancery.
Now generally, things have gone well at Northwestern, but today was just not as smooth. They were late with the MRI appointments. The music didn’t work with the MRI, so my usual distraction technique for it didn’t work. There were no reading materials and my phone stuck in the locker!
I then had to rush to the mammogram and ultrasound appointments. Fortunately, John came with me and had a donut ready for me to snack on in the three minutes.
But then I got to be re-annoyed by my the interior design of the fourth floor of Prentice. Let me explain. The fourth floor of Prentice is all breast care. When you go left, you go the diagnostic part; when you go right, you go the cancer part. But the diagnostic part is bright and airy, it has large windows and tall ceilings. The cancer part is dark and dreary and has no windows. (I didn’t take pictures in the actual spaces because actual people are there, but here’s pictures of the hallway. Trust me that the spaces indoors are even more distinct.)
I know, I suppose it’s a minor thing to be annoyed with. It’s about the type of care I receive, but I really hope there is a design refresh coming soon! The whole experience is depressing enough. I really wish the physical space didn’t add to it.
But then today is a day for me to head in to the happy diagnostic side, while I wasn’t feeling happy, and get asked to fill out the exact same paperwork as 1.5 hours ago. All of which Northwestern already knows! I’ve been with them for over 20 years. And I can guarantee you that the date of my first pregnancy didn’t change since 7 am!
They also ask questions that don’t make sense for someone in active cancer treatment. The options at one point are:
- Do you have a prior breast cancer diagnosis? Y/N
- Do you have a recent breast cancer diagnosis? Y/N
Neither of those are quite right! Is it recent? Is May 30th recent? Maybe? It certainly is not next to the women who have lived with it for 20 years. But it isn’t so recent that I haven’t been gone through chemo already. And is it a prior diagnosis? Not really. It’s a current one! I think I ended up just writing “See MyChart” and handing it off.
I know. I know. They ask the health questions multiple times because people don’t always answer them correctly or completely so they are trying to get a complete history. But given my grumpy cancery state, I was annoyed!
But, then the appointment took forever. That was actually fine because they were making sure they had all the pictures needed for surgery. But I did not like sitting in the small room with all the diagnostic patients while I was clearly someone with cancer. Mentions of Katie Couric telling them to get their follow-ups were topics of conversation. And hopefulness that “I’m sure it’s nothing.” But I’m clearly sitting there as a very present reminder that it isn’t always nothing. Which was just super uncomfortable.
It also caused a slight flashback to my very first visit to the diagnostic side over 10 years ago. A woman said “oh, are you a survivor?” I said “no, just getting extra pictures.” Her response: “Oh, I thought with your short hair, you were going through treatment.” It was only a pixie cut!
Now, to be fair, there are actually a bunch of solo seats by the window, so why didn’t I go sit there? I don’t know! I was tired! I was grumpy! I wasn’t thinking clearly! I will make better decisions next time.
To all my medical professional friends, don’t worry! I did not actually take it out on any of the staff. I just got grumpy inside. And in the end, after chatting with the radiologist and getting some lunch, I felt much better. Oh yes, and a text from one of you that dinner would be at our house that night also helped!
They did not give me a lot of details but they did say the tumor definitely did shrink from the chemo. And now hopefully they have all the measurements they need to make sure we get everything still remaining in the upcoming surgery!